Birds fly, Fish swim....

I have an internal obsession about looking good. Not actually looking good. That would be ridiculous and a bit of an upward battle at this stage of the game, but looking good when considered by others. I compare. All the time. I wonder if my grammar is good enough.. obviously not in this entry... I wonder if my attitude is good enough. Am I cynical enough for the cynics? Am I good enough for the noble? Am I positive enough for the optimists? I find myself never actually achieving the lifestyle that I profess and instead simply perfecting the art of faking it. I profess to have hope in Christ. Do I? No. I panic in the face of my own weakness. I profess to have faith in situations that call for proof. Do I? No. I trust in my own intellect and manipulation skills to get me out of binds. I am a guilty liar.

You know those strip malls that they're making now and even in regular malls where they make the front of the store look like an authentic Bahamas cabana or a festive fruit stand, or a grand old library and it is really just Barnes and Noble, American Eagle and Bath and Body Works? I absolutely hate it cause it is all marketing. It is like going to an amusement park and actually believing that you are ON the Matterhorn, instead of in a bunch of fiberglass in Anaheim. You think that you're buying something that is a product of fresh fruit infused into your lotion right there instead of a bunch of chemicals from a factory in Pennsylvania squirted into a bottle.

I'm getting there... wait for it..

That is what I am.. A product made to look like the real thing. I have the intention to do the things I say, but when it comes down to it I am on auto pilot. My friend and I were talking about gardening the other day and she said something like, "I'll have to have you come over and help me cause it sounds like you really know what you're doing." In my wicked black heart I thought, "YES! I fooled her! I have no idea when the right time to separate dahlias is, but she thinks I do!" Maybe that is a dumb example but I guess it is the frequency with which I have these little conversations in my head that bothers me. And what bothers me more is that I NEED to have that affirmation to feel secure. I NEED to have my pack of lies purchased to feel safe and like I belong.

My mom always says, "Never compare because when you do, you're comparing your worst to someone else's best." She's right. But I still do it. It is how I live. Birds fly, fish swim and I compare. It is so built into me that I don't know what rest is. I was listening to a sermon that reminded me about the simplicity of the gospel, about the peace of the gospel and how absolutely scandalous it is. I can't even accept it because it cancels me out. My efforts have nothing to do with it. My resume doesn't matter. Jesus offers peace. Peace with who I am. Peace with who I"m not. Jesus offers confidence in who I am and who I'm not. Can you imagine genuine confidence? Not arrogance, not an assurance that you're competent, but a peace that it is really a non issue? I don't know how to live like that. Yet that is what I say I do. That is what I build my life on. How can you build your life on something that you don't know how to live in your heart?

I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety lately and just the fact that it is a struggle seems wrong as a Christian, and I don't know how to resolve that and then the actual issue that your anxious over is there and then you cycle back to the sin of anxiety and it gets really old really fast. I wonder why I can't just let Christ be the peace of these issues and I am drawing a blank. Part of me says let go and see what happens and another part of me yells BE RESPONSIBLE!

It comes back to the question who does God want me to be versus What does God want me to do? I wish I could be ok with just answering the first one, but the second one seems so much more attainable to me. I start to look around and wonder who else has these questions and I'm back to the beginning.. comparing myself to make sure I'm safe instead of just being.