7 Year Anniversary

So this is a bit late, but I was just looking through our pictures and thought these were worth sharing. Last month Josh and I celebrated our 7th anniversary by spending the afternoon with the boys at Fort Flagler on Marowstone Island. It is a place that is special to us for many reasons and this was the first time bringing the boys out there. Eli was actually there when he was in utero and just about 1 year old. Anyway the day was sunny and warm and somehow unintentionally we all wore blues which made for some good pictures.

Show Worthy

So this evening I hung my first show in many years that is exclusively my own work. It will be up at black bird bakery through the month of October. I am excited to have my work seen somewhere other than over my shoulder in my studio or at my house. If you're local, stop in and check it out. Here are a few images and the statement that accompanies them.

As a teacher and a parent I have had the privilege and responsibility of being involved with children on a number of levels. I love to see their smiles and hear their ideas as well as share in moments of them gaining new understanding.

As an artist I am compelled to work through the other facets of their lives that are not always clear or easy. Rarely are children allowed to be childlike. They are faced with familial struggles, identity issues, societal messages conflicting with reality as well as the simple yet difficult task of growing up.

Through these prints and paintings I do not hope to answer any of the questions that face our children. But instead, I hope to empower our children to freely ask the questions that seem “unaskable”. I hope to endorse the struggle that seems so undesirable. I hope to encourage our children that the result of wrestling with the questions is far better than never having asked them at all.

Roots and Wings part 1

A couple of weekends ago we went to a family camp geared towards parenting called Roots and Wings. It was a great time at a camp facility on a lake down near Olympia. It raised a lot of questions about parenting obviously as well as the "bigger" issues. I am finding them hard to separate these days.

The sort of thesis for the weekend, if there was one, was to enable parents to examine the ways they are deeply and strongly rooting their children as well as allowing them to be set free on competent wings. The first evening began the discussion by asking parents what their "chief end" is. The first question in the Heidelberg catechism says that the chief end of man is to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." I thought about what my chief end is in my real life. I know what it should be, but what is it really? Is it to raise kids that make me look good? Is it to raise kids that are the smartest in their class or the most "free" or the most "talented"? Or is it to glorify myself and they get in the way of that? I find that the biggest conflict is often over me wanting my own time and them wanting more of me not less.

The word that keeps coming to me in these moments is F#*K! I think that is a good indication that my chief end right now is not glorifying or enjoying God. I am struggling with irritation and injustice which on all fronts is simply offensive. If I consider the things that make me irritated they are normal things that every 2 and 4 year old need and want. If I consider the things that make me feel like my situation "isn't fair" I will find myself wishing there was someone around to slap me in the face.

I recently read part of a book (because I rarely finish whole books) called "Loving Frank". It is a novel about a woman who had a long notorious affair with Frank Lloyd Wright. In the beginning of the book you are introduced to her, her devoted but slightly dull husband, and her 3 young children. The affair sounds pretty nice because it is centered around her intellectual pursuits and interest in architectural theory. It sounds nice to get together with someone and have deep intimate talks about something that interests you. (as well as other activities that make it an affair) As the book goes on it becomes evident that Frank is demanding and irresponsible with money, and that Mamah (the woman having the affair) is not actually able to continue the affair with out deep seated conflict in her heart. In the end she and her children are brutally murdered by one of Frank's staff. I never got that far and am glad cause I don't really want to read about that in any great detail. However I really identified with the idea of her wanting more and feeling conflicted by it.

I think what I gathered from the parts of the book that I read is that she tried to do it all and it didn't work. She had a plush life with a house keeper and a nanny and cook and basically was completely able to pursue what she wanted. She could spend time with her kids when she wanted and pass them off when she wanted. She would go to lectures at the university and organize women's suffrage events when she wanted to but it was still not enough. So once she was at the other end of the spectrum having FLW as her lover and partner traveling across Europe with him and having him design buildings for her she was missing her children and normalcy of being home.

Smart people learn from their mistakes. Smarter people learn from other people's mistakes. I want to learn from Mamah's mistake and not have an affair with a famous architect. :) No, but I do think that contentment is something our culture struggles with. I think it is certainly something I struggle a great deal with. You constantly hear stories about how people who have everything lose it all cause they can never be satisfied. We have fickle hearts. I want to look back and say that I treasured the time when my children were little. I want to savor and enjoy all that these ages hold and not push them along to be more independent and less a part of my life. How do you do that in a practical way? How do you do that when you've spent the morning reading and playing at the park and then your child throws a fit cause you want to fold some laundry and have a little quiet to yourself?

We know our children model what they observe. We know that the strongest lessons are from what they see in us day in and day out. I hear irritation in Eli's voice when he gets frustrated and I see it in Jonah too. It is humbling to have this job of parenting and of course I can't take credit for all their "weeds" but I think the first step to developing those deep roots and competent wings is recognizing our own failings and thinking about our reactions to situations. It is how I react that teaches them. Not how I tell them to react in the same situation. It seems cyclical and impossible right now so as my dear friend Cindi says, "Grace over this day". We won't ever get it right, but I guess that isn't what it is about. It is about giving and receiving grace and teaching our children by modeling a life of that ebb and flow.

Paper Cuts

Here are some new pieces I have been working on in the last month or so. I was commissioned to do the art for a poster for an upcoming festival on the island and was so excited to not be responsible for any of the formatting or text or printing. Just images. From that I got another commission for an image of a house in South America that will be used on a t-shirt. So now I'm all excited about this process and experimenting a bit. I also owe a friend a piece of art and am sending her the apron. (Shh... don't tell and if you're reading this Sarah G. don't look. ..wink wink...) I can't seem to upload the file for the poster, so for now just the gift.

The End of an Era

Josh helped my dad replace a light bulb in their entry way fixture today that is probably about 20 feet up. They used a ladder and neither of them are blonde so this is not about how many dad's it takes to screw in a lightbulb or anything it is just funny because my dad has a secret. He has this experiment or study or general record keeping ritual I guess of writing the date with a sharpie on his light bulbs before he puts them in. He does this not because he has OCD but because he likes to track how long certain brands last in specific fixtures. It absolutely cracks me up and I harass him every chance I get.

So when Josh pulled out the bulb today it said 5.7.05. He asked my dad if he wanted to write that down somewhere in a very sarcastic tone and my dad said no. He then asked my dad if he wanted to write anything down before he installed the new one. My dad said he's actually NOT keeping track anymore! I can't believe it! He said he just decided to have faith in the product. I for one think it is just that he's getting soft. He's lost the dedication and the drive and the commitment to his research. I was crushed. AND now that he doesn't care anymore Josh's and my favorite April fools day idea will no longer matter. We have talked about for years, but never have replaced all the bulbs in their house with new ones that have dates from the future written on them.

In any case I do think it is amazing that the one they replaced today was from 05. Now if he could just work out a system to write the date of when it actually burned out so that you could track how long you live with it before it bugs you enough to actually do something about it. (ie: me putting the wash in with my headlamp on cause I'm too lazy to unscrew the fixture in the laundry room and just replace that darn bulb, cause I swear it goes out like every 2 months!) Maybe I should start writing the dates on MY bulbs.....Maybe I should consider what brand I use... what wattage is recommended for the fixture.... I see a spreadsheet coming on... Maybe my dad was on to something.

Recent Adventures

With the rainy weather lately we've been stretching our imaginations for activities indoors. We brought out my mom's old typewriter that I've had since high school and Eli loves listening to the hum of the machine and practicing finding letters. We also built play dough volcanos and did the magical experiment of baking soda and vinegar eruptions. We used like half the box of soda cause they thought it was so cool.

My dear friend Sarah had a week ago today a beautiful 12 pound boy at home after and hour and 15 min. of labor. Who does that? Well obviously she does!

A sweet kiss.

Some time spent at the beach watching the ferry pass by.

We discovered Pritchard Park last week which is embarrassing because we have lived here for so long and because it is no longer a new park, but I must say it is a new favorite and I can't wait to spend the warm summer days there.

Here are the super hero capes I made the boys a few weeks ago. Eli picked the fabric out of my stash. It is a 60's print of nautical flags that was my grandma's. It seems a funny choice to me, but it is his cape right?

highway to hell

These pictures show a sink hole that formed 2 days ago in Guatemala city due to their recent flooding and seismic activity including volcanic eruptions 60 miles south of the city. The Boston Globe website(?) says they still aren't sure why this sink hole formed and I actually don't know much more than that it is almost 60 km deep and that it enveloped an intersection and a 3 story building with it. They said the building had closed just an hour before it fell into the earth. Needless to say Guatemalans could use a shout out in your prayers this week. I traveled there in college for about 10 days and it has a special place in my heart. I can't imagine the scope of natural disasters like this one. I've never experienced anything like it. It offers a bit of perspective. My friend Mike is traveling to Antigua next week and described these images as pictures of the highway to hell.

Alaska 2010

Recent events took me to Alaska to celebrate my dear childhood friend's 30th birthday. We had a great time and it was so good to see where she lives. She and her husband have built 2 amazing houses themselves (like laying their own foundation with rebar and framing and such) and she is currently working as an assistant to the chief of police. I got to see the jail and the 911 call center switch board and the interrogation rooms and all kinds of cool stuff. She wouldn't show me the armory though. Anyway I had an amazing time sleeping through the night for 4 straight nights for the first time in almost 4 years! As well as garage sale-ing and hiking and swimming. Thanks again Taylor and Mike!

Toilet Built For Two « AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com 05/26/2010

Toilet Built For Two « AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com 05/26/2010
Oh my gosh this website was discovered with my dear childhood friend Taylor. It is the best website I've seen in a while. We laughed so hard we were crying.

Local Library features future famous artist's work

This past year at school I've been focusing my projects around children's illustration. My students have studied illustrators from the 1800's all the way up to contemporary artists. We had a local children's illustrator that I know come speak to the classes as well as the local Children's Librarian come and talk about the Caldecott award. It has been really fun to research and teach and as a final project I decided to display the student's work at the public library on the island. It will be up for the month of May and if any of you are about go in and see it. It is really cool to see kids connect with art in such a tangible way and to learn something about the art that is closest to them.

update

For those of you who enjoyed my auto shop story you might also enjoy knowing that after driving around on our little island for less than 2 weeks with that sign in my car, the owner of the shop called me at home and after a long unpleasant conversation ended up refunding me all of my money.

Mother's day 2010

My sweet husband built me a mobile green house for mother's day. I am very excited and have already planted my tomatos, onions, basil and peppers in it. It was a beautiful day of hanging out with family and working in the garden.

Local Auto shop takes advantage of frumpy mother

About a week and a half ago our check engine light came on. Since this is the first car I've owned with a functioning check engine light I thought I ought to pay attention to it. Josh asked me to make an appointment for a few days and I kept forgetting so at 8:40 am on our way to the park I pulled in to the shop where we usually go to see what they had available. We go there cause it is a mile and a half from our house and I can ride my bike to pick up the car if I need to.

I had both boys and the dog in the car and we, as I said, were on our way out for a walk. They said they could take the car right then and did I want to wait? I asked how long it would take and they said, "at least an hour for a check engine light." I said, "well I've got 2 little boys in the car and a dog so I don't think that we should wait, but we were planning on going for a walk, so we'll just walk home cause it's not that far." They offered to ride home with me, but I said it would be a nice walk.

So I got the boys all set in the stroller and then realized that I had forgotten Gertie's leash, so I found a bungee coard in the back of the car and wrapped it around her collar and set off. Keep in mind there are no sidewalks and at 8:45 a lot of SUV's and large trucks are making ours a pretty busy street. When we got to the road that leads up to the school I teach at I thought it isn't that much further and it would get us off the main road, so I headed up the hill. It is a steep hill and by now I realized the reason it felt like I was underwater while pushing was due to a flat front tire. I'm calculating the stroller and the boys at about 70 lbs and feeling good to be getting so much exercise. We reach the school at about 9:20 and there are 7 new baby lambs in the pasture. (For those who don't know the school is located on a working farm.) The boys were so excited and we stood and watched them and talked to them for about 15 min. before we started getting cold and headed home.

We got home around 9:45 about an hour exactly from when I dropped the car off, and there was a message on my machine saying the car was ready. I left the boys with my mom and rode my bike down the road assuring her I'd be back in 20 min. When I got to the shop I parked my bike and went inside. I told them I was there to pick up my car and the lady at the desk found the paperwork and handed me my invoice. It said that I owed them $100.67. I was trying to figure out where it said what they did and I asked, "So what was wrong with it?"

She looked at the paper and read "Check engine diagnostics...Fuel cap loose... Hazardous waste fee."

I said, "What does that mean?"

She asked one of the techs to confirm it and he said, "The fuel cap was loose." I asked, "Like the gas cap where you put gas in the car?"

"Yup."

"So you're charging me a hundred bucks to tell me my gas cap was loose?"

"Well your paying for the labor I guess."

I wasn't sure what to do. I could leave the car there and have Josh go duke it out with them when he got home, or I could pay it and send him back to argue later or I could argue now.

I took a quick reading of the situation. Me: yoga pants and a helmet. Them: office, lots of expensive cars in their shop and awards on the wall. I decided to pay and have Josh go back.

After she runs my card and gives me my receipt I ask where the car is, cause I didn't see it and she walks over to the wall with the keys and says, "Hmmm... I'm not sure where it is? The key isn't here... Let me ask around."

I thought "Uh ... Ok.. you go see if you can find my car and I'll just wait here feeling powerless and victimized."

She comes back bright eyed and bushy tailed saying, "They took it up on the back hill to wash it!"

Like that is supposed to make me feel better? I'm here to pick up a car that you said is ready and now it isn't and I had to pay $100 for you to tighten my gas cap. I've lost my sense of humor.

"How long is that going to take?"

"Oh only about 5 more minutes. Is that OK?"

"Ya."

15 min. later. By now I've taken my helmet off.

I walk back in the office and say, "I have someone watching my kids who can't stay there for very long.. Do you know when my car will be ready?"

"Oh are you still here?! I thought you would have gone by now. Let me find out what is going on."

As she says that my dripping car is delivered to the front lot with obvious smudges all over where they forgot to wash it.. Seriously it looked like a 7 year old had washed my car. They guy gets out and it is all I can do to not say, "uhh looks like you missed a spot."

I get home and tell my mom what happened. By now it is 10:45 and I'm so mad I have wasted 2 hours on this stupid problem and the only redeeming part of it is ironically my flat stroller tire and all the exercise I got along with the quality time I spent with my boys. But it gets better.

I call Josh and he doesn't answer so I leave a message and explain how because I'm a frumpy mom wearing tight pants and a helmet with 2 kids and a dog I've been taken advantage of and he better come home and fight for my vehicular honor. I tell the story to 3 other people who are all outraged. When Josh comes home I ask if he got my message and if he's going to go down there and talk to them. He said, "What do you want me to do about it?"

"Well get some money back or something," I say.

"That's just the way it goes baby cakes. It's an expensive lesson." Is his nonchalant reply.

"What is wrong with you!? Everyone else I've told this story to is outraged!"

"Were they all women? You guys are probably all on your periods and irrational. Go tell your dad what happened and see what he says."

So I do and my dad says, "They charged me $125 to tell me my gas was low. There is a sensor that goes off if I let my gas get too low that turns on the check engine light. Same situation honey... it's an expensive lesson."

WHAT!! "Baby Cakes and Honey"

What is wrong with them? So after talking with my sister in law we decided that I should put a sign in my car that tells where I got my awesome car wash and how much it cost. I am planning on writing a letter to the shop too telling them I'm irate and will never come back. Sad part is that they won't care at all. They have so many customers with such expensive cars who don't care about paying out the nose for bogus services it won't make a dent. However I've already gotten one note on my car saying that someone else had the same experience and where they take their cars now.

My sign reads, "Bainbridge Island Auto repair charged me $100.67 to tell me my gas cap was loose." I thought of much more inflammatory things I could have written but decided the truth was the best. I've had lots of people giggle when they read it and I think I'm going to leave it up for a while cause I think we take for granted our power for change as consumers. As for the power for change in the "baby cakes" department that could be a different story.

The diabolical plan to get our boys to eat vegetables

We've been struggling to incorporate fresh produce in our lives. It seems like I get a bit out of practice during the winter months so we've devised a cunning plan. Eli and Jonah aren't big vegetable fans unless they're picking right from the garden. Eli does like carrots. And they both like apples and salad, but what I hear most is requests for cheese and bread. So we had to make the vegetables something fun.

Josh has been taking the Trader Joe's Very Green supplaments for a while now and we decided to try making a green drink instead. He likes to use recipes, but I'm much more of an experimenter. The nice thing is that you can't really go wrong... depending on how much space you have left in the blender.

We usually start with an apple and a handful or two of spinach and kale, frozen berries and juice or water. We've also tried celery and pineapple and carrots and avacado. Banannas are good but overpowering and so is the celery. This sometimes is helpful though. The avacado makes it really smooth and if worse comes to worse add vanilla yogurt.

Last night Josh decided to throw a handful of the very green vitamins in and it ruined the whole thing. I was so mad. The entire smoothie tasted like vitamins and reminded me of my days during pregnancy which I would rather not remember. I resorted to adding mine to the yogurt. Jonah on the other hand as seen in exhibit "a" didn't care a bit.

This is what happens when you try to repair the broken blanket fort with one child and leave the other one unattended for 3 minutes with a chair pulled out from the dining room table. Be sure to put down your smoothie and forbid them to touch your drink. At least he's eating his vegetables. HA HA HA it was all part of our plan!

We make a path by walking

So we're talking about studying your children as if you were going to be graded on them, as if they were a subject in school. We were asked to think about our favorite subject in high school or even elementary school. It didn't have to be the one we got the best grade in. It had to be the one we were passionate about. One said honors english, one said reading, one said geometry another p.e., one said it wasn't so much a class but being a part of the ASB, and another said being a part of the church youth group. I said of course art.

As the conversation developed it became obvious that each person's favorite subject directly led to their personality and most often vocation as an adult. It got us thinking about how we learn, how we are motivated, and how we pursue things of interest. We then were reminded that our class was our child. The subject is not math or history, but this little or not so little person. How will you approach learning this subject? Who is the teacher? How are we graded?

First I thought of my homeschooling experience in high school where we were required to write a syllabus before the course began. I always was frustrated by this because I wondered how I could write a syllabus on something I knew nothing about. It involved investigation, asking questions, drawing on multiple sources and research. Then you could start the class. Parenting doesn't offer you a syllabus, or a text book. Everyone makes that cliche joke about not leaving the hospital with out the operations manual after you have a baby. Honestly it isn't very funny. It's just annoying. As a parent I feel like I should have the answers. I wanted my parents to have the answers. I want to be handed the syllabus. I feel like I should be the teacher, but I am not. I am the student.

So who is the teacher? Who teaches you who your child is? Certainly not them. They don't know who they are. They are developing and changing daily and longing for someone to speak identity into them. A scientist doesn't set out to observe a specimen in hopes that all their questions will be answered by the specimen. They rely on their experience, their ability to ask informed questions, to confer with colleagues and to refer to other sources and observation to derive a hypothesis. They are partners with the specimen in an investigation. Ultimately as parents we do have a textbook on our children. It is our children. They are our textbook. The only catch is we don't have a table of contents or chapter summaries. It is being written in real time. It is being written as we watch.

One parent said, "I'm reading chapter 17 right now. I loved chapter 7 and 9 and in chapter 11 something amazing happened, but I haven't got a clue on how to understand this chapter. I could decide that if I get a 60% on chapter 17 it is still a passing grade, and looking back on my cumulative GPA it might not hurt me too much, but then what if I keep deciding that? What if I end up being a 60% parent?"

We are students of these books, but we are also very close with the author. We know the author has an outline. The author has an expertise and a finished product that He is working towards. The author is our teacher. He is the designer and the creative director. He gives us resources in each other in other adults in our kids' lives and he gives us His spirit.

Another exercise involved identifying traits in our children that we would like to foster and develop versus trying to just build their resume. As I read through the 7 pages of characteristics complete with definitions and Bible references to back them up, I thought 2 things.

1. I may not be able to discern these things by chapter 3 and surely not by chapter 1.

2. I really need to ask myself what traits listed here do I see in ME that I want to foster and develop.

Modeling always comes before teaching. Whether we want it to or not, it does. This terrifies me because I am so wired to do instead of be. I long for my kids to know that they are known. They are honored and celebrated for who they are and not what they do. Sometimes those lines get fuzzy and I suppose that is in a later chapter cause right now it doesn't seem to be quite so pressing.

A friend of mine shared a saying with me. She said, "We make a path by walking." I suppose that is what parenting is; observing in patience as your child's book is written. Being attentive to shifts and changes and following the narrative like it is your favorite subject. Stories aren't interesting unless they have conflict. Stories aren't interesting if you know the end before you start. Stories aren't stories unless there is someone listening.

This might have done it. 6 months of non- posting and neglecting my blog may have actually alienated all my of readers. That's right all 4 of you are gone now, so I can write again with out censoring and wondering what ... will think of this .... blah. blah.

I haven't written in 6 months because for the last six months I have had a lack of insight and inspiration. And then from a far off dusty place, I hear the voices of my college professors echoing through my conscience saying that a true artist works through the dry spells and forces their hand to keep working. I begin to feel pressured to live up to my own expectations as well as the perceived expectations of my future memoirist but under the weight of the pressure I cave and recoil and recede.

I have been trying to read a little bit each day, between the diapers and laundry and lesson plans and now have some one else's insight that I would like to share. I'm a bit rusty so forgive my preface.

First a quote:

Inspiration may be a form of superconsciousness, or perhaps of subconsciousness - I wouldn't know. But I am sure it is the antithesis of self- consciousness. --- Aaron Copland

Next a passage from Cannery Row:

They are the Virtues, the Graces, the Beauties of the hurried mangled craziness of Monterey and the cosmic Monterey where men in fear and hunger destroy their stomachs in the fight to secure certain food, where men hungering for love destroy every thing lovable about them. Mack and the boys are the Beauties, the Virtues, the Graces. In the world ruled by tigers with ulcers, rutted by strictured bulls, scavenged by blind jackals, Mack and the boys dine delicately with the tigers, fondle the frantic heifers and wrap up the crumbs to feed the sea gulls of Cannery Row. What can it profit a man to gain the whole world and come to his property with a gastric ulcer, a blown prostate and bifocals? Mack and the boys avoid the trap, walk around the poison, step over the noose while a generation of trapped, poisoned, and trussed up men scream at them and call them no goods, come to bad ends, blots on the town, thieves, rascals, bums. Our Father who art in nature, who has given the gift of survival to the coyote, the common brown rat, the English sparrow, the house fly and the moth, must have a great and overwhelming love for no goods and blots on the town and bums and Mack and the boys. Virtues and graces and laziness and zest. Our Father who art in nature.

---John Steinbeck