Maybe not Forever

So this evening is one of the first times I've gotten away from the boys since Jonah has arrived. I went to Esther's and the bookstore and the studio in that order. I am out and about with Eli and Jonah and have not shut myself up in the house because I have a new baby or anything, but it somehow felt different having alone time tonight. I felt like all these people have lives and see each other each day and know what the sky looks like because they're under it. (that sounds dumb, but I'm going off the top of my head right now..) There are honestly days when the only reason I go outside is to get in the car to pick up Josh from the boat.

I spend the day doing things without a break and at the end of it, I can't think of one thing I accomplished. If I cleaned the kitchen undoubtedly it needs cleaning again or will need cleaning again within 20 minutes of being up in the morning. Or if I conquered the pile of laundry it is only to see that Josh's work clothes are dirty from that day, or Eli wets the bed and I start all over again. It isn't out of resentment that I write that, it's just reality. So when do I stop? When am I finished? Maybe that isn't part of the deal. Isn't my job though as a mother and a wife as Josh and I have defined it for our family, to manage our household? So if I had a job as a project manager like my dad, then I would dissect the tasks needed to accomplish the project and delegate what could be delegated and prioritize the rest right? I feel like that is what I do, but it never ends. So when I go out and see other people who don't know or care what my kitchen looks like or haven't ever in their life considered the state of my carpet, I think why do I get so wrapped up in keeping things going at home when there is a whole world operating outside of me and will continue even if I don't.

I've never been good with micro vs. macro and find them hard to separate because they are so interconnected to me. If I don't keep the house running, Josh doesn't have clean clothes to wear to work and doesn't have a lunch to take with him. And if Josh doesn't have those things, he gets grouchy like anyone would, and then is theoretically less productive at work. Then his company is less successful and loses money which then puts Josh's job in jeopardy which then puts the family at risk and then my boys will grow up to be crazy criminals because they had irresponsible parents and sucky roll models and then the world at large is subject to their behavior and I've increased the national debt by filtering 2 more bodies into the justice system and our nation is at jeopardy all because I wanted to watch TV instead of wash clothes or go grocery shopping.

Obviously this is a gross dramatization and I don't really think that way, but it does cross my mind what the affects and effects of my responsibilities at home are. Our friend Dave told Josh that you either have a creative wife or a clean wife and I feel like that isn't totally true, but I do feel the pull of the extremes. I want to be both and keeping up with the clutter and cleanliness of this little house makes me crave creativity, but if it isn't clean, I feel like I'm going to suffocate and can't think. So what do I do? I work all day to tidy up and by the time I catch a minute to myself to be creative, I'm too tired to think or be insightful. This is my big struggle.

Energy to be insightful. My friend Cindy says that God has a lot of grace for new mothers, and I hope she is right, because there isn't a whole lot of meditation or daily devotion flowing from my life right now. And when there isn't meditation there isn't art. So do I trade my family for my gifting or my practice? I think I have. Maybe not forever, but I sat here rocking Jonah to sleep when the rest of the house had gone quiet for the night and I looked at him so comfortable and trusting in my arms and I thought this is what everyone wants. The kind of promise and hope and opportunity found in a baby.. the clean slate.. and if I choose my work over that I am first being selfish, and second missing the point. Not because all women are good for and should do is raise children and find utter joy in that, but because maybe that is where the answer of the micro vs. macro lies. Maybe the journey in raising these boys is the meditation, is the art and is the practice. Maybe they are the product and yes what I do on a daily basis has a profound affect on their outcome, but it has a profound affect on my outcome as well. So stopping to be in the moment while the dishes pile up or Josh wearing the dirty work pants one extra day because Eli and I make a blanket fort isn't a crisis, but I am always feeling a pull from either extreme and each day I wrestle to stay in the middle.

This isn't what I set out to write about and I don't know how to put into words what I did want to write about..and this all seems quite personal but I really do struggle with the pull. I often wish I could just catch up but I'm begining to think it doesn't work that way.