Day 20... only 80 to go

I am losing my motivation and that makes me sad.  What does that mean?  It means I'm busy and preoccupied.  What does it mean in the grander scheme of things?  It still means that I'm busy and preoccupied, but on a deeper level as well.  If I can't be still in a day long enough to find gratitude in things that are more important than, "gee I'm thankful for my email..."  or whatever then what is my heart doing?  It is shriveling up that is what it is doing.  Slowing down doesn't seem like an option a lot of the time, but as fall approaches and a new routine emerges I am going to consciously put time in for quiet and meditation.  So I suppose I am thankful for seasons.  I don't want summer to end partly cause it hasn't really started weather wise, but also because it is a built in rhythm for our lives.

Day 19

It is getting hard to keep up.  I am sure I am days behind and feeling rotten about how I made this comitment and can't even do it for two straight weeks with out biffing it.  I am thinking a lot about forgiveness and what it looks like in different scenarios and finding it very difficult to grasp onto in a lot of ways.  So I suppose I am thankful that I am not responsible for "figuring it out" in order for it to work.  In that light if there are any readers out there, be patient with my inconsistencies.  Maybe you could even forgive me... that is... if you have it figured out.

Days 17 and 18

I am thankful that I can read. Literacy is huge and I often take it for granted.

I am in turn also thankful for good books.  Here are some that I've read in the last year.. or so...

The Midwife's Confession
The Help
Becoming a Woman of Grace
The Inkheart Series
Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain
Walk On
20 Chickens for a Saddle
Ursula Under
Margrettown


Some of these have only been read in part and others all the way through.  I wish I had the time to devote myself to books.  In another life I would like to be a librarian.

Day 16

I am thankful for my sweet, funny, surprising two year old Jonah.


He is independent.  He is deliciously sweet and kissable.  He has a twinge of total obstinacy and has since birth.  He is definitely in his own way a "Jonah" but that is also what I love about him.  He will be wandering around the house with a wire wisk, a lego man and book of poetry under his arm and woe to the man who gets in his way when he is on that kind of mission.  (Whatever that kind of mission is...?)

Today I was watering the garden and he came out in his basketball style shorts, a t-shirt he had taken out of the give away box, his rubber boots and a plush cow mask on.  He had his super- hero cape that I made him in hand and was asking me to tie it on for him.  He then proceeded to run around the yard shouting that he was shooting big bombs out of his watering can and getting all the bad guys.

They say that a little boy between the ages of 2 and 4 has twice the amount of testosterone of an adult male.  That answers a lot of questions in my house.  He wore the outfit around town this afternoon and got some compliments.

He is changing his clothes more often than an insecure girl in junior high these days.  I don't really even bother folding them to put them away cause he digs through the drawers so much each day that it is futile to stop it.  He is excited cause he can dress himself now and it was something that I worried about him being a late bloomer in cause he just figured it out.  Now I'm pretty sure he's making up for lost time.

He makes me laugh and he is infuriating in the same breath, but he is a professional snuggler and his kisses are better than a speckled puppy on Christmas.  I love him fiercely and thank God that in the midst of His adventure called parenting He built in some unparalleled rewards.

Day 15

Today hope resurfaced if only for a glimmer in my life.  Recently I have been described as someone who has declared war on hope and I guess that would be accurate.  I'm just thankful that although I have undiplomatic relations with it, it is not giving up.

Day 14

Today I was reminded how great the public Library is. It was pouring rain and the boys had ants in their pants and so we put new pants on and went to story time at the library.  We ran into 4 families that we are friends with and checked out about 35 books and came home to have a reading jamboree.  3 out of the 4 families we saw we became friends with through going to the library so much.  We are there between 2 and 4 times a week usually.

I think it was Alexander Grahm Bell who championed the library idea in this country after Benjamin Franklin.  If I'm wrong on that someone please tell me.. But the idea that you get a big building that holds all of the town's books and that as long as you live in the town you can go there and borrow as many of the books as you want and that they hire someone to take care of the books and organize the books and help people find the right book they are looking for sounds to me like a fairy tale.

My high school "supervisor" said that her goal for my education was that I would become a life long learner.  As much as I got sick of hearing those words then, I hold on to them now.  If as a teacher I can inspire a student, be it my child or some one elses, to continue learning I believe I have done my job.  So if you aren't hooked on the library, check it out, (no pun intended) and see if you are not pleasantly surprised.  And then remember to be thankful for it. :)

Days 11,12 and 13

I've gotten behind on my thankfulness or at least the sharing publicly of it.  I have been thinking about it though and it has been difficult.  It is easy to find things that one is grateful for when one gets what one wants and when things go the way one expects.  Obviously.  It isn't that things haven't been good lately, just at a pace that is quick and unexpected.

In any case I was reminded today of some things I have been freshly blessed with.
First one is wonderful neighbors.
When we moved in December we found out that a family with 3 little boys lives just at the bottom of the hill.  They have a 3 year old, a 4 year old and an 8 year old.  We love them and are so thankful that they are close and so hospitable.  Today they came over on a whim and stayed for like 3 hours.  The whole family hung out and we did a cookie and limeade stand.  (we made 5 whole dollars!)  It is just so nice to know that there is camaraderie in motherhood and in boyhood and in fatherhood for that matter.  We all had lunch together and picked huckleberries together and just hung out.  It was a great morning.

I am also clearly thankful for this sunshine finally.  The warm air and light that is so vastly different than the grey is staggering when rationed.  

It leads me to be thankful for the beauty of the place in which I live.   We are constantly surrounded by beauty here and often forget when overcome with the gray.  It is beautiful especially when the sun is out, but even still when it is not.

Day 10

I am thankful for prayer.
I am humbled by prayer and I am changed by prayer.
I like that saying, "Prayer doesn't change things, prayer changes me."

Jonah is 2.5 and sort of destined for trouble.  If there is trouble about he will find it.  It is never malicious trouble, just mischief and I have found him recently spilling the exterior paint in the garage, covering himself with stamps and ink from the art cupboard, sticking his fingers in the open peanut butter jar, "washing" his toys in the toilet etc.
The first thing I usually shout when I come to these situations is "hands UP! Don't touch anything!  Just stop and put  your hands in the sky!" It seems sort of ironic that I get myself into equally precarious messiness and I just keep swishing the mess around till I am beyond a solution and have just f---ed the whole thing up.
I find myself so wrapped up in all the mess of whatever that mess is at the moment, but if I can remember to stop and raise up my hands up and just stop touching everything, ie, pray about it, things will improve.  Jesus will swoop down and wash my hands, or clean up spilled paint, or put the lid back on the peanut butter before it is too late.
I don't at all mean to trivialize prayer by acting like it is just a panic management tool, but I think it is often overlooked in my life and that is telling.
Today prayer resurfaced in my tool box as a solution and I am thankful it did, cause really it is the best ting I have in there.

Day 9

I am so thankful for laughter.  I love laughing and I love things and people who make me laugh.  Today was grey and lame but by dinner time laughter won and I'm grateful.

Day 8

I am thankful for Josh's job.  He gets up every morning at 4am to ride his bike 4 miles to the ferry and be to work by 6.  He doesn't complain about how early it is or that he rides in the wind and rain and snow and cold.  They have reduced most people's hours at work down to 4 days as of this last week.  This is the 3rd or 4th time they've done that in the past 5 years Josh has been working there.  He has made it through lay offs and slow periods and when so many people are without work I am thankful that he has it.

He is so talented and meticulous I wish he would do more side jobs, not because I want him working more.. We want him home!! but because he really does make beautiful work.  With the reduced hours he has at least one day a week to do something independent and right now he's doing a large project for my parents so it will be nice for him to have a chance to do that during the week instead of Saturdays.  Here is a bad picture of a beautiful table he built for his mom last year.

Day 7

So I suppose I have to say that I am thankful for this rain because it will be a very hard thing for me to say.  Can I be thankful for things that I don't really want? Can I trust that God knows more and can see farther down this road than I can?  So the weather isn't really applicable in the analogy per se but isn't it true that if we accept some gifts from God knowing that He is good we must accept ALL gifts from God trusting that He is really and truly good?  It is a difficult concept to reconcile with and the first chapter of the book I mentioned in an earlier post, One Thousand Gifts, examines that question beautifully.  I don't know how to wrap my head around it but perhaps the mystery of it is part of its power and beauty.

In the book the author talks about manna in the dessert for the Israelites.  Here is a quote from the end of chapter one.  "For 40 long years, God's people eat manna- a substance whose name literally means "what is it?"  Hungry they choose to gather up that which is baffling.  They fill on that which has no meaning .  More than 14,600 days they take their daily nourishment from that which they don't comprehend. They find soul-filing in the inexplicable.  They eat the mystery.  And the mystery, that which made no sense, is "like wafers of honey" on the lips.

Day 6

I didn't get a chance to post yesterday, so I will do 2 today.  Yesterday I was thankful for our house.

We had 6 extra kids over yesterday afternoon and have had many more than that in the last few months because of our new space.  It was such a blessing to move in here last winter and feel like we could spread out a bit.  The yard is amazing, the neighbors are amazing and the way my kids are learning or more like absorbing hospitality is amazing.

Eli is constantly telling people they can come over.  My brother who lives in Arizona, the Librarian at the public Library,  the bagger at the grocery store, kids we meet at the park, kids who are 3x his age at church have all been personally invited to our house by Eli cause it's what we do.  I love that he feels the security to do that.  I also love that we have a place where we can.

Day 5

I am grateful for good conversations with good friends.

A long over due one that reminded me of the important things.  Reminded me of struggle that isn't romanticized, but real struggle.  I've been there and others are there now and I will be there again.  The answer is in the struggle.

"The means by which we reach the goal is actually the goal itself."  - Oswald Chambers

Day 4

Today I am thankful for food.

We are so used to "picking something up" at the store.

Josh wanted to have some french bread to go with our spaghetti tonight and as I went to pick him and it up I heard a piece on NPR about the food crisis in East Africa.  Something like 380 thousand people in refugee camps because of drought and a level 4 food crisis.  They won't call it famine because of political reasons which I guess I get, but it seems like if people are dying and fleeing their country cause of lack of food what else can we call that?

I know that because I have an abundance here I am often complacent, but today I am mindful of my gifts and that I can feed my children.  

Day 3

Today I am thankful for my community.

I remember when Eli was born and we lived in Seattle and there was a mom's group at our church and I went those first few months and soaked up being with other moms. When we moved I didn't feel like our new community though wrought with children and mothers had quite the same venue for knowing and being known as a mom.

Today, 4 plus years later I had 8 moms and 2 grandmas along with all the children (14 or more) at my house for our weekly summer play group.  It is amazing to journey with people in their struggles and triumphs and day to day.

Then as if we hadn't had enough community for one day we spent the evening working at a local community kitchen where between 70 and 100 people are served dinner.  It is great having conversations and working along side friends and also challenging to break away from the comfortable relationships to forge new ones with new people.

I think community is an amazing tool to know ourselves and work along side others for something bigger than ourselves.  I am thankful for mine and know it is the only thing keeping me here wearing wool socks on a mid- July day.

Day 2

Today I am thankful for my son Eli.

He has so many questions and thoughts to share.  He sat at the kitchen table today and drew with his stencils while Josh and I were collaborating and brainstorming on a future project.  He wanted so bad to offer his own input and so he did occasionally and it was delightful.  He had the tone of voice right, he added sketches to what we were doing, the look on his face was perfect, but the content of the idea made no sense at all and made the effort priceless.  I can't even retell it with justice, so I won't.  But I will treasure his creative spirit.

We went to the all comer's track meet last night and he won 3rd place in the hurdles and on the way home he said I like that "turtle hopper" race... what is it called mama?  I told him he was exactly right it was the turtle hopper race.

As we were snuggling before bed he had his head on my shoulder and patted my chest and said with a little grin, "I used to drink milk out of these."  Again I told him he was exactly right.

A New Project

I haven't posted in a long time.  It seems like it is just not a priority these days and lately I feel like I don't have a lot of insight to offer.  In talking with a friend today though I have decided to start a new project .  It still seems to fit with my "BE" theme and I thought I would share it with anyone who wants to listen. I'm making the rules simple for myself.  Here they are.

1. Every day for the next 100 days I will write at least one thing I am thankful for and why.
2. I might include a picture cause usually I can't help myself

This project is inspired by a book my friend is reading and recommended to me.  It is called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  I am ordering the book tomorrow and read the first chapter online tonight.  I'm hooked.  The author raises the question, at least in the short excerpt that I read, that if we enter the world with our fists clenched are we able to give or receive?  She puts it so eloquently and blurs the line between fiction and non I think.  Can we really give with out first knowing how to receive?  So the first step is to list 1000 things we're thankful for.  Things we've been given essentially.  I'm not going to do 1000 cause I'm trying to make attainable goals for myself.  So I'm starting with 100 and in the project I hope to see with wider eyes how blessed I am, how loved I am and how abundantly I have been given to.

So here is Day 1.

Today I am thankful for my husband.
He is committed to me.
He chose me.
He works hard for our family and for our good.

7 Year Anniversary

So this is a bit late, but I was just looking through our pictures and thought these were worth sharing. Last month Josh and I celebrated our 7th anniversary by spending the afternoon with the boys at Fort Flagler on Marowstone Island. It is a place that is special to us for many reasons and this was the first time bringing the boys out there. Eli was actually there when he was in utero and just about 1 year old. Anyway the day was sunny and warm and somehow unintentionally we all wore blues which made for some good pictures.

Show Worthy

So this evening I hung my first show in many years that is exclusively my own work. It will be up at black bird bakery through the month of October. I am excited to have my work seen somewhere other than over my shoulder in my studio or at my house. If you're local, stop in and check it out. Here are a few images and the statement that accompanies them.

As a teacher and a parent I have had the privilege and responsibility of being involved with children on a number of levels. I love to see their smiles and hear their ideas as well as share in moments of them gaining new understanding.

As an artist I am compelled to work through the other facets of their lives that are not always clear or easy. Rarely are children allowed to be childlike. They are faced with familial struggles, identity issues, societal messages conflicting with reality as well as the simple yet difficult task of growing up.

Through these prints and paintings I do not hope to answer any of the questions that face our children. But instead, I hope to empower our children to freely ask the questions that seem “unaskable”. I hope to endorse the struggle that seems so undesirable. I hope to encourage our children that the result of wrestling with the questions is far better than never having asked them at all.

Roots and Wings part 1

A couple of weekends ago we went to a family camp geared towards parenting called Roots and Wings. It was a great time at a camp facility on a lake down near Olympia. It raised a lot of questions about parenting obviously as well as the "bigger" issues. I am finding them hard to separate these days.

The sort of thesis for the weekend, if there was one, was to enable parents to examine the ways they are deeply and strongly rooting their children as well as allowing them to be set free on competent wings. The first evening began the discussion by asking parents what their "chief end" is. The first question in the Heidelberg catechism says that the chief end of man is to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." I thought about what my chief end is in my real life. I know what it should be, but what is it really? Is it to raise kids that make me look good? Is it to raise kids that are the smartest in their class or the most "free" or the most "talented"? Or is it to glorify myself and they get in the way of that? I find that the biggest conflict is often over me wanting my own time and them wanting more of me not less.

The word that keeps coming to me in these moments is F#*K! I think that is a good indication that my chief end right now is not glorifying or enjoying God. I am struggling with irritation and injustice which on all fronts is simply offensive. If I consider the things that make me irritated they are normal things that every 2 and 4 year old need and want. If I consider the things that make me feel like my situation "isn't fair" I will find myself wishing there was someone around to slap me in the face.

I recently read part of a book (because I rarely finish whole books) called "Loving Frank". It is a novel about a woman who had a long notorious affair with Frank Lloyd Wright. In the beginning of the book you are introduced to her, her devoted but slightly dull husband, and her 3 young children. The affair sounds pretty nice because it is centered around her intellectual pursuits and interest in architectural theory. It sounds nice to get together with someone and have deep intimate talks about something that interests you. (as well as other activities that make it an affair) As the book goes on it becomes evident that Frank is demanding and irresponsible with money, and that Mamah (the woman having the affair) is not actually able to continue the affair with out deep seated conflict in her heart. In the end she and her children are brutally murdered by one of Frank's staff. I never got that far and am glad cause I don't really want to read about that in any great detail. However I really identified with the idea of her wanting more and feeling conflicted by it.

I think what I gathered from the parts of the book that I read is that she tried to do it all and it didn't work. She had a plush life with a house keeper and a nanny and cook and basically was completely able to pursue what she wanted. She could spend time with her kids when she wanted and pass them off when she wanted. She would go to lectures at the university and organize women's suffrage events when she wanted to but it was still not enough. So once she was at the other end of the spectrum having FLW as her lover and partner traveling across Europe with him and having him design buildings for her she was missing her children and normalcy of being home.

Smart people learn from their mistakes. Smarter people learn from other people's mistakes. I want to learn from Mamah's mistake and not have an affair with a famous architect. :) No, but I do think that contentment is something our culture struggles with. I think it is certainly something I struggle a great deal with. You constantly hear stories about how people who have everything lose it all cause they can never be satisfied. We have fickle hearts. I want to look back and say that I treasured the time when my children were little. I want to savor and enjoy all that these ages hold and not push them along to be more independent and less a part of my life. How do you do that in a practical way? How do you do that when you've spent the morning reading and playing at the park and then your child throws a fit cause you want to fold some laundry and have a little quiet to yourself?

We know our children model what they observe. We know that the strongest lessons are from what they see in us day in and day out. I hear irritation in Eli's voice when he gets frustrated and I see it in Jonah too. It is humbling to have this job of parenting and of course I can't take credit for all their "weeds" but I think the first step to developing those deep roots and competent wings is recognizing our own failings and thinking about our reactions to situations. It is how I react that teaches them. Not how I tell them to react in the same situation. It seems cyclical and impossible right now so as my dear friend Cindi says, "Grace over this day". We won't ever get it right, but I guess that isn't what it is about. It is about giving and receiving grace and teaching our children by modeling a life of that ebb and flow.